Saturday, April 23, 2011

Yet another Saturday

It's early Saturday morning as I write this and Snackers is off to work as I prepare to begin working on my math exam.  I've got my coffee, what's left of my pickle flavored sunflower seeds (about 1/4 of a serving) and my computer is all booted up and ready to go ... but I'm stalling.

This week has been really hard for me and I'm not really sure why.  I had gone so long without dealing with cravings or feeling like I was missing out and begrudging this whole lifestyle change and then it seems like the very day after I posted about my new found food epiphany (view post here) it was like I suddenly started all over again from a mental perspective.  I haven't been able to figure out what happened or why but reviewing my posts and my food lists around that time it is fairly obvious that for several weeks prior to that post I had been doing really good and the whole process had been getting easier (for most days).  Then within days after that post I started to really struggle.  Here's the thing, most of you might look at my food lists and say "ok so there are a few blips here and there but it doesn't look like you're struggling" but really it seems like I've spent the last two or three weeks just fighting my subconscious non-stop.  Even though my eating doesn't really show it very well, every single day is a struggle to keep myself out of the kitchen and away from the foods that I shouldn't be eating.

I made truffles last night from one of the new diet cook books, they're supposed to be 43 calories each but I made them too big and got half as many truffles as I should have so I guess they're 86 calories each.  They had to set-up in the fridge for two hours before I could even roll them into balls and then they had to set up even more for another two-hours after.  It was all I could do to not just take a spoon and eat the entire pot of truffle mixture before it had even cooled.  Fortunately the recipe called for a whisk, not a spoon, so I indulged myself with one lick of the whisk and that was that ... it went into the fridge.  But I couldn't stop thinking about it and when the timer finally went off the fight started anew as I'm rolling these balls of chocolate around in my hands and trying not to just shove them in my face.  I managed to roll them all up, put them in the fridge to harden and throw away the plastic wrap without even licking it clean but it was tough.  You might think that making truffles was just too much temptation but last night was not the beginning.  Pretty much every night this week I have found myself standing in the kitchen with the fridge open around 9:30-10:00 p.m. looking for junk food and not even really knowing what I want.  Sometimes I'm craving fried food, sometimes sweet food, sometimes both at the same time.  Each night I eventually chug a glass of water (because getting full on water helps with the cravings ... doesn't kill them but it does help for a little while) and walk away.  I did that FOUR TIMES on Tuesday night.  In the kitchen, out of the kitchen, in the kitchen, out of the kitchen.  As you all know I eventually lost the war and ended up eating two snack cakes.  Oh no!  Not one...two!  AAAaaaargh!

The 240's are killing me and from what some of you have said they were hard for you too.  It seems like it's taking me longer to lose the 10 lbs that are the 240's than it took me to lose the 37 lbs before them.  I'm not tired, I'm not sore, I'm not having trouble sleeping, I don't think I've over trained ... I'm just losing my mental fortitude and dedication and I don't understand it.  I'm amazed that I am even losing any weight at all right now because I am fighting myself so much that I feel like I'm failing.  In my logical brain I know that I need to just suck it up, shut up, and do it.  I know it's all in my head and that somewhere I have the power to control my thoughts as well as my actions ... yet lately all I want to do is watch TV, cross-stitch, and eat.  Growl.

Math Test(s) over: Pretty sure got 100% on the concept check.  Got a 97% on the quiz.  GPA finally in after A- in the last math class.  3.97 :( BOOOOOOOOO!

8 glasses of water
1 cup of coffee w/creamer
1/4 serving seeds
1 Healthy Choice lunch
1 meatball sub
3 truffles
Daily Caloric Intake: 1,172

Activity: Dusted the living room and three flights of stairs.  Notta whole lotta I know.


  1. I know exactly how you feel. It's that pre-binge mindset. We have to be pro-active here because you and I both know what's coming. I don't know if you have read the beginning of my blog but if you would go back to the beginning and read from there, I think it might help get your head screwed back on straight. There is some religious stuff there but I don't try to push that on anyone in my blog - just take what helps and leave the rest. Have you ever heard the saying that "the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train"? You have seen the light at the end of the tunnel because of your success. Let's make sure it's the way out and not the train.

  2. This is so hard when this happens. I know for me I can be sailing along thinking this isn't that hard, I have control over this, and blammo... I start to eat a bunch of stuff I suddenly think I have been missing.
    What I do when this happens now is just resign myself to the fact that I need a break and relax a little. I decide to allow myself to coast for a short time. I still work out and make mostly good food decisions, but I allow myself to just maintain the same weight for awhile. I know I am eating some stuff I shouldn't, and I know I will not lose weight, but it is o.k. as long as I don't gain. I keep weighting myself and in a short period of time I feel ready to get back to it. I think it is something about the fact I give myself permission, and not deciding I have blown it, and giving up. In other words I play mind games with myself... yikes.. is that bad? lol
    It might be good to try to assess why you are feeling the way you are in the evening. I know Snackers is working some in the evenings, are you lonely? I know that was an issue for me in the past. What I do now when I want to eat in the evening is just go to bed. I don't eat in bed and it gets me out of earshot of all that stuff calling my name from the kitchen.
    Hang in there, remember it is a marathon, not a sprint. Nothing moves in a totally straight line.

  3. Bren: That feels like exactly what I've been doing. Coasting for a little while. Still working out when I can find the motivation for it, still trying to be conscious of what I'm eating, still counting, still blogging. In fact...were it not for this blog and for all of you I know, without a doubt, that I would have already given up and stopped counting or even paying attention. You are all saving me from falling completely off the wagon and back into hopelessness. I hope you realize that and know how much I appreciate all of you for continuing to follow and read. I promised, when I started this blog, that I wouldn't stop weighing, posting, and counting no matter what. I owe you all that much to share my bad times as well as my good because you've been so supportive of the good times and I firmly believe that witnessing the humanity and weaknesses of others helps us all to understand our own potential. When we see someone who never fails we tend to view that person as super human and we rarely believe that we can emulate their actions. But when we see someone who struggles and still manages to succeed that is when we realize that if they can do it we can too. For that reason, I believe that it is important to be honest about my struggles. I'm not super human and I sure as heck am not giving up ... and when I do put on a size 4 I'm going to wear it with extra pride knowing that it wasn't easy. I watched "266"s anniversary video again this morning because that was my original motivation. Because I saw her and thought, if she can do it I can too. It made me cry again.

    Ok going golfing catch you all later! :)

  4. Slip ups happen from time to time. "Slow and steady wins the race";) I'm not even going in to detail about the ridiculous amount of jelly beans I consumed today. Hang in there!!You are strong and can get past the hump!Congrats on your grade as well:)


  5. Sounds like pms for me. salty, sweet, salty, sweet, saltysweetsweetsalty


    You can do it, it was tough for me to push through the 240's as well, I lost 3 lbs last week, from 238 to 235 and then a week with no loss. It's just the nature of the beast. Keep pushing. :D

  6. Honestly it FEELS like pms but it must be mental because I'm on Depo so I don't technically get pms. Today was a lot better. I was hungry today, which I haven't been in a long time, but nothing really sounded good which was almost even more maddening. I'm almost kind of wondering if it's not stress-food cravings. February was when the rumors about the uncertainty regarding my job security started up. March was when I got hit with the bombshell news that the rumors were true and it was only going to get worse before it got better. And on April 1st I found out I had a new boss and have been, literally, the only employee who didn't quit. I've been alone, working for the company trying to balance customer service, customers calling in about the change of ownership asking very delicate, stressful questions, and trying to transition all of the accounts that the company has to ownership by the new owner/company. It has been very stressful and I do know, without a doubt, that I am a stress eater. The sunflower seeds have helped a lot with that though. It's amazing how effective they are at de-stressing me.