It's early Saturday morning as I write this and Snackers is off to work as I prepare to begin working on my math exam. I've got my coffee, what's left of my pickle flavored sunflower seeds (about 1/4 of a serving) and my computer is all booted up and ready to go ... but I'm stalling.
This week has been really hard for me and I'm not really sure why. I had gone so long without dealing with cravings or feeling like I was missing out and begrudging this whole lifestyle change and then it seems like the very day after I posted about my new found food epiphany (view post here) it was like I suddenly started all over again from a mental perspective. I haven't been able to figure out what happened or why but reviewing my posts and my food lists around that time it is fairly obvious that for several weeks prior to that post I had been doing really good and the whole process had been getting easier (for most days). Then within days after that post I started to really struggle. Here's the thing, most of you might look at my food lists and say "ok so there are a few blips here and there but it doesn't look like you're struggling" but really it seems like I've spent the last two or three weeks just fighting my subconscious non-stop. Even though my eating doesn't really show it very well, every single day is a struggle to keep myself out of the kitchen and away from the foods that I shouldn't be eating.
I made truffles last night from one of the new diet cook books, they're supposed to be 43 calories each but I made them too big and got half as many truffles as I should have so I guess they're 86 calories each. They had to set-up in the fridge for two hours before I could even roll them into balls and then they had to set up even more for another two-hours after. It was all I could do to not just take a spoon and eat the entire pot of truffle mixture before it had even cooled. Fortunately the recipe called for a whisk, not a spoon, so I indulged myself with one lick of the whisk and that was that ... it went into the fridge. But I couldn't stop thinking about it and when the timer finally went off the fight started anew as I'm rolling these balls of chocolate around in my hands and trying not to just shove them in my face. I managed to roll them all up, put them in the fridge to harden and throw away the plastic wrap without even licking it clean but it was tough. You might think that making truffles was just too much temptation but last night was not the beginning. Pretty much every night this week I have found myself standing in the kitchen with the fridge open around 9:30-10:00 p.m. looking for junk food and not even really knowing what I want. Sometimes I'm craving fried food, sometimes sweet food, sometimes both at the same time. Each night I eventually chug a glass of water (because getting full on water helps with the cravings ... doesn't kill them but it does help for a little while) and walk away. I did that FOUR TIMES on Tuesday night. In the kitchen, out of the kitchen, in the kitchen, out of the kitchen. As you all know I eventually lost the war and ended up eating two snack cakes. Oh no! Not one...two! AAAaaaargh!
The 240's are killing me and from what some of you have said they were hard for you too. It seems like it's taking me longer to lose the 10 lbs that are the 240's than it took me to lose the 37 lbs before them. I'm not tired, I'm not sore, I'm not having trouble sleeping, I don't think I've over trained ... I'm just losing my mental fortitude and dedication and I don't understand it. I'm amazed that I am even losing any weight at all right now because I am fighting myself so much that I feel like I'm failing. In my logical brain I know that I need to just suck it up, shut up, and do it. I know it's all in my head and that somewhere I have the power to control my thoughts as well as my actions ... yet lately all I want to do is watch TV, cross-stitch, and eat. Growl.
Math Test(s) over: Pretty sure got 100% on the concept check. Got a 97% on the quiz. GPA finally in after A- in the last math class. 3.97 :( BOOOOOOOOO!
8 glasses of water
1 cup of coffee w/creamer
1/4 serving seeds
1 Healthy Choice lunch
1 meatball sub
Daily Caloric Intake: 1,172
Activity: Dusted the living room and three flights of stairs. Notta whole lotta I know.