Well even though I kept my commitment to work out an hour a day early in the week, and even though my calories have been under 1500-1600 ... I'm really worried that the weigh-in this coming Monday will show little or no loss. I don't think there will be gain, at least I don't feel like I've gained, but I just don't feel as physically exhausted as I did last week and even the week before. I'm sure that's a good thing ... the dark circles under my eyes and the constant pain in the bones of my feet have been really bad so I know my body was screaming for some TLC but, at the same time, I feel disheartened. I hate that my body is fighting my efforts to continue with these awesome successes with weight loss. Maybe I'm trying too hard or trying to lose it all too quickly but, at the same time, I feel like if I don't go at this mission full force I'll end up losing my way with it entirely. Part of me even feels like my concern over my health is just a way of "rationalizing" a way out of all the hard work.
I can't deny that I'm starting to feel impatient with myself and with this whole process. I'm getting sick of counting - already. It was interesting, even kind of fun at first and now it's such a burden. Last night while trying to decide where to go to celebrate the results of my finals I must have hit half-a-dozen websites for chain restaurants looking for something nice that we could afford and that we would enjoy; but then there was the added pain of also having to find somewhere that had a menu item that both sounded good as well as wasn't too high in calories. I became so frustrated with the whole process that I finally just gave up on it entirely and we went for Prime Rib because I already know, all to well, what the calories are in that.
I'm sick of going to the gym every day or even having to take an hour from other things that I would like to be doing or should be doing to exercise. Originally I thought I could develop a habit and it would eventually become an hour that I would enjoy and spend gladly ... and for awhile it was. But now it just feels like it takes so much psychological effort to put gym clothes on, pull my hair back, get in the car, etc. Originally I was fueled by the desire to walk farther and faster and it was challenging and exciting ... challenges have always been fun for me so going to the gym was fun because I was proving to myself that I could do more. But I've hit this wall where I'm still too obese to safely try to run and 3.5 is about as fast as I can walk without jogging. The last few times I've gone to the gym I've burned over 500 calories, according to the treadmill; not because I was trying to burn that many but because I was trying to make the work-out more interesting by increasing difficulty with incline but it didn't work.
I've worked the same job now for almost 3 years and I've only taken maybe two or three full days off from my regular schedule, never consecutively, that entire time. I've never really felt the need to just take time off from work. But, for the first time ever, I am feeling this deep, grating need for a vacation - not from work, but from the monotony of counting and exercising. I'm bored with it and anyone who knows me knows that once something stops challenging me - once it becomes boring - it's almost impossible for me to keep at it. I've quit gymnastics, ice skating lessons, belly dancing lessons, piano lessons, voice lessons, even law school, and more than a dozen jobs because I got bored with them. I don't want to quit this because I know it's working and I want to finish. I want to succeed.
I keep trying to renew the challenge by setting goals, getting a new cook book, trying new forms of exercise, you name it but no matter what I've tried they've all only worked for a few days and then they've become boring. I mean I know exercise isn't supposed to be fun but my world revolves around intellectual stimulation and I'm just not getting that from this life-style anymore. I want to take a break but I'm afraid that if I do I'll come back with a gain or I won't come back at all. I think part of how I'm feeling today is the result of trying on the shirt I wore on my first date with Snack Monkey last night. It was too early and even though he was over joyed to see it back out of the closet, and he was very liberal with the compliments and congratulations, I didn't feel good in it and that messed up my head a little. I don't know what to do ... I'm frustrated and irritated and even a little bit depressed about it. Softball is only three days away - I really, really, truly hope it helps. I'm starting to feel desperate.
I need to get out of this bloomin' funk. I need the energy and excitement about losing weight back. This stupid voice in my head is trying to tell me losing weight isn't worth the effort but I hate thinking like that. I can do this ... I KNOW that I can so what the hell right? Grrrr at me.
6 glasses of water
1 cup of coffee w/creamer
1 sugar bowl egg (brunch)
2 korean rice cakes (used as tortilla chips w/pico)
8 oz pico
1 sugar bowl egg (dinner)
Daily Caloric Intake: 611
Aside from 14 hours of non-stop crocheting on Snack Monkey's blanket (minus time spent cooking, eating, and going to the bathroom): Not a damn thing! I had a crappy, ambition-less day. However, I find it interesting that 14 hours of crocheting = approximately 7,400 stitches.