Saturday, February 5, 2011

A Very Bad Day

Well even though I kept my commitment to work out an hour a day early in the week, and even though my calories have been under 1500-1600 ... I'm really worried that the weigh-in this coming Monday will show little or no loss.  I don't think there will be gain, at least I don't feel like I've gained, but I just don't feel as physically exhausted as I did last week and even the week before.  I'm sure that's a good thing ... the dark circles under my eyes and the constant pain in the bones of my feet have been really bad so I know my body was screaming for some TLC but, at the same time, I feel disheartened.  I hate that my body is fighting my efforts to continue with these awesome successes with weight loss.  Maybe I'm trying too hard or trying to lose it all too quickly but, at the same time, I feel like if I don't go at this mission full force I'll end up losing my way with it entirely.  Part of me even feels like my concern over my health is just a way of "rationalizing" a way out of all the hard work.

I can't deny that I'm starting to feel impatient with myself and with this whole process.  I'm getting sick of counting - already.  It was interesting, even kind of fun at first and now it's such a burden.  Last night while trying to decide where to go to celebrate the results of my finals I must have hit half-a-dozen websites for chain restaurants looking for something nice that we could afford and that we would enjoy; but then there was the added pain of also having to find somewhere that had a menu item that both sounded good as well as wasn't too high in calories.  I became so frustrated with the whole process that I finally just gave up on it entirely and we went for Prime Rib because I already know, all to well, what the calories are in that.

I'm sick of going to the gym every day or even having to take an hour from other things that I would like to be doing or should be doing to exercise.  Originally I thought I could develop a habit and it would eventually become an hour that I would enjoy and spend gladly ... and for awhile it was.  But now it just feels like it takes so much psychological effort to put gym clothes on, pull my hair back, get in the car, etc.  Originally I was fueled by the desire to walk farther and faster and it was challenging and exciting ... challenges have always been fun for me so going to the gym was fun because I was proving to myself that I could do more.  But I've hit this wall where I'm still too obese to safely try to run and 3.5 is about as fast as I can walk without jogging.  The last few times I've gone to the gym I've burned over 500 calories, according to the treadmill; not because I was trying to burn that many but because I was trying to make the work-out more interesting by increasing difficulty with incline but it didn't work.

I've worked the same job now for almost 3 years and I've only taken maybe two or three full days off from my regular schedule, never consecutively, that entire time.  I've never really felt the need to just take time off from work.  But, for the first time ever, I am feeling this deep, grating need for a vacation - not from work, but from the monotony of counting and exercising.  I'm bored with it and anyone who knows me knows that once something stops challenging me - once it becomes boring - it's almost impossible for me to keep at it.  I've quit gymnastics, ice skating lessons, belly dancing lessons, piano lessons, voice lessons, even law school, and more than a dozen jobs because I got bored with them.  I don't want to quit this because I know it's working and I want to finish.  I want to succeed.

I keep trying to renew the challenge by setting goals, getting a new cook book, trying new forms of exercise, you name it but no matter what I've tried they've all only worked for a few days and then they've become boring.  I mean I know exercise isn't supposed to be fun but my world revolves around intellectual stimulation and I'm just not getting that from this life-style anymore.  I want to take a break but I'm afraid that if I do I'll come back with a gain or I won't come back at all.  I think part of how I'm feeling today is the result of trying on the shirt I wore on my first date with Snack Monkey last night.  It was too early and even though he was over joyed to see it back out of the closet, and he was very liberal with the compliments and congratulations, I didn't feel good in it and that messed up my head a little.  I don't know what to do ... I'm frustrated and irritated and even a little bit depressed about it.  Softball is only three days away - I really, really, truly hope it helps.  I'm starting to feel desperate.

I need to get out of this bloomin' funk.  I need the energy and excitement about losing weight back.  This stupid voice in my head is trying to tell me losing weight isn't worth the effort but I hate thinking like that.  I can do this ... I KNOW that I can so what the hell right?  Grrrr at me.

6 glasses of water
1 cup of coffee w/creamer
1 sugar bowl egg (brunch)
2 korean rice cakes (used as tortilla chips w/pico)
8 oz pico
1 sugar bowl egg (dinner)
Daily Caloric Intake: 611

Aside from 14 hours of non-stop crocheting on Snack Monkey's blanket (minus time spent cooking, eating, and going to the bathroom): Not a damn thing!  I had a crappy, ambition-less day.  However, I find it interesting that 14 hours of crocheting = approximately 7,400 stitches.


  1. you and I are going through something similar, but different at the same time.

    I'm concerned over my ability to keep at this for the long haul, but it's for a weird reason.

    I have an addictive personality. I'm addicted to food, and when I starting this change, I easily slipped into obsession/addiction with health, healthy eating and exercise.

    Now that it's become second nature to me, I feel like I'm not getting that same rush of learning about nutrition, of finding new and interesting ways to cook food, ways to exercise and push myself. It's gotten too easy, it's gotten routine, I find it difficult to keep at things if I am not 100% obsessed and just "into" it.

    I was actually planning on blogging about that tonight but did a thing on binging instead since it was asked of me. I am going to do a 'part 2' of the binging blog later then maybe write about this recent feeling I'm dealing with.

    It's not about motivation even, like, I am still totally motivated, I still track diligently and am exercising more than before and still blogging. But, I dunno, there is just something missing.

    But I decided I don't care. I am committed, as I feel you are too, and all you need is a little push. Being morbidly obese, having health problems, being easily winded and really FEELING your weight, is way, way worse than boredom. My real dad lost both legs, his sight and then died of kidney failure cuz of diabetes. This all happened in the span of 6 years. He was like 47.

    That shit is way worse than boring.

    Look at it as just another challenge. Cuz I am SURE that there is something totally worth it and amazing on the other side of this dieting apathy. Right now is difficult, because we're working hard, losing weight, and it hasn't been that long in the grand scheme of things but you want to be thin yesterday ya know? ha. It's okay though, commitment. you'll get there, and you'll look back and be like, wow, so glad I listened to Alicia. ;) hehe!

    We got this. :)

  2. I don't exactly know what I can say to encourage you to continue with your efforts but even though you may not see it or feel it, 32 lbs is a great loss and it can only get better from there. Your food choices have gotten so much better in the last couple of weeks and you have put so much into changing how you eat, how much you drink, etc etc. It has to begin to feel more like a way of life. It can't feel so tedious or as if it is a challenge. You will have to make it your way of life for the results to last. I hope there something you can do to get yourself over this hump and I am sorry I can't be of more help. Good luck.

  3. Maybe you're not as exhausted not because you didn't work hard enough but because you're getting healthier and your body is handling it better. I know you want quicker results, we all do. But don't give up, keep trying different exercises until you find what you love. I had no idea wii games could work up a sweat (ea sports, zumba) hang in there!

  4. Susie: I've been wanting to get rumba for months! I have a wii with sports resort, active etc but got bored with them too. I haven't gotten rumba because I've not known one person who had it. Can you give me some details and feedback on it? I've heard it's got sensitivity issues is that true?

  5. Willpower: do you ever watch tv and see beUtiful skinny women drinking wine and eating chocolate and think 'will I ever be like that?'. Will I ever get to that point?

  6. Whenever I have felt like that on previous diets I've quit and stacked the weight on again. Then when I decide to diet again I think to myself. If I had just stuck that rough patch through...I would be a hell of a lot closer to my goal right now.

    It's shit. You're body has the shits because you're not giving it all the fuel it used to get. You're getting the shits because the exercise you're doing is taking your away from what you want to do.

    But in the end however shit it is it has to be done. Fact of life. There’s a story about a famous pianist who one day had a woman come up to her and say "I'd give anything to play like you" and the pianist came back with "If you were really prepared to give anything, you'd be as good as me. You'd be on stage playing because you would have given up the hours of your time to practise. You would have passed on the parties and the dinners to practise."

    It’s the same with weight loss. You look at your goal model and think "What I would give to look like that!"

    Well it's time to grit your teeth and give it. Even if it's shit.

    I had a shit day too. It happens. But shit happens. And if we really want to reach our goals we will.


  7. My heart goes completely out to you. I hope you find a way to make this work. You won't catch me signing up for that kind of trouble, but it's done you good, and one rough day among all that success is nothing.

    I hope/bet by the time you're reading this, you have a good chance of having a much better day.

  8. First of all you are precious! I think you are going too hard on yourself. We are body for life people and if you ever read that book you are over doing it. Basically your body is storing more of what you feed it since you are doing this monstrous work outs, it feels like it needs to save energy (fat) since you work it out too much!!

    Take a break, remeber we lose the most fat while we rest during our sleep...

    Good luck,

  9. Thank you to all of you for your encouragement and support. I am convinced, now more than ever, that my mood was my body's way of screaming for nourishment and rest. More info on this will come in tonight's post.