Wednesday, April 11, 2012


How does one get through a period of low motivation and self-control ... this is the thought that has been on my mind for months.  Every day I still count but the drive that I had when I started this journey just isn't there.  Sure, I'll find it a little bit here and there for a moment or two.  I'll give myself these grand pep-talks in my head about how I can do it I just need to DO it.  I'll even force myself to walk the right path for a day or two but it just isn't the same.  When I started this blog I woke up every morning eager to write my next post, every Monday morning eager to weigh-in, every 14th of the month eager for pictures.  Now I can barely remind myself to do these things and they feel like a chore.  I exercised after work and during lunch breaks with certainty and nothing was going to stop me.  I remember putting my shoes on, waving to Snackers and heading outside with exuberance and any protests from him fell on determinedly deaf ears.  I was going to do it and nothing was going to stop me.

I have more reasons to be motivated now than ever.  I've made so much progress.  I'm getting married in less than a year.  I'm graduating in two months.  I have a big doggy that looooves to go for walks.  I have a treadmill.  I have literally everything that I need or could ever want for success except the most important thing ... motivation.  I've been trying to find it now for the last 8 months and I just don't know how.  Like I said, I've found snippets of it here and there, brief moments of excitement that wear off quickly and are gone by the next day.  I re-watched 266's 1-year Anniversary video a dozen times trying to get that "I can do it" attitude from it that it gave me the first time but it's just not there.  It's all in my head, I know that, but I can't figure out how to overcome it.  I can force myself to get up and do things, most of the time, but I can't seem to force myself to like it the way that I used to.  I'm past being frustrated with myself now and I'm in a place where I just don't give a damn anymore.  It sucks - and it's going to drag me right down the path of failure if I don't figure out a way to shake it.

120 oz of water
1 cup of coffee w/creamer
1 granola bar
1 fruit bar
1 fish burrito
1/2 leftover veggie calzone
1 cup fat free frozen yogurt
Daily Caloric Intake: 1441

Yoga: 30 minutes
Walking: (w/Snackers and dogs) 1 hr


  1. I'm telling you... get a copy of The Primal Blueprint and read it. It might not motivate, inspire, or inform you as much as it has I, but I'd be surprised.

    Stop wasting time, eventually I'm going to get you read it anyways... so just go read it. School's over, you have free time, go read it.

    I've been telling you since the beginning that you are over-trained. You have all of the tell-tale signs. You are, pretty literally, burned-out. You can regain that energy, that zest, that drive to reach down in you and go another round and achieve a new record of progress... you CAN feel excited again to reach a new level of health! But first you have to realize you've over-trained yourself and you have to learn what to do to counter that.

    I'm not telling you to do anything with the information in the book, keep doing what you're doing if you feel it's best... but just go read it.

    If it's about the money, I'll buy the book. You just read.

  2. Oh yeah, and P.S.: it's *NOT* "all in your head"... it's in your *HORMONES*. Your body-chemicals are out-of-whack from over-training and most probably an imbalance of certain healthy foods that you aren't getting enough of. Fix your body-chemistry, and your "head" will follow.

  3. I love your attitude!! You have soooo much to look forward to and have done so well on your journey so far. KEEP ON PUSHING!

  4. Maybe you need to stop being so hard on yourself. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Although I totally understand the desire to be smaller for your wedding, and you can be, maybe your goal for right now should be to maintain. Just do everything right, and as long as you aren't gaining any weight consider it a win for awhile.
    On a different train of thought, really there are tons of things that we do all the time that aren't bliss, but they need to be done, and we do them for a reason, they are a means to an end. Maybe walking or whatever form of exercise you prefer, needs to be that for awhile. You may not like it, you may not feel like it, but it is just something that for your overall well being, needs to be done. Kind of like cleaning the toilets every week...
    Great job on the GPA, btw. (Dare I say there may have been days you didn't feel like doing homework, but in your mind there was no option?)

  5. Brandon: I am not resistant to reading the book you suggested, I just had forgotten about it. I just bought the Kindle version 2 seconds ago and will work some time for it into each day. I've allotted myself about 3 hours a day for PHP reading ( so I can do 2 hrs of PHP and 1 hr of Blueprint. Ironic you would mention that it's a hormonal whack-out from over training ... in addition to everything else I HAVE been forgetting to take my multivitamins and chlorophyl every day like I was before ... that's got to be leading to a vitamin reduction in something.

    Dee: Thank you for the uplifting comment!

    Brendalyn: You're right, there were definitely days that I didn't want to study (hence the 3.98 and not a 4.0 because I had a few weeks in math where I wasn't feeling it so I half-assed it lol). When it comes to doing things that we don't want to do but know we must, we Scorpio's are unique. We'll either develop a habit of doing something until it doesn't bother us anymore (like going to work every day ... I never wake up in the morning thinking 'I don't want to go to work today', ever ... I just do it) or we'll find colossal ways for talking our way out of it or rationalizing our way out of it. Snackers is the same way with other things (like cleaning the cat box) and my sister has her moments as well (all Scorpios). Another trait unique to Scorpios is recognizing our own flaws and making a concerted effort to change them - we're probably the most likely sign in the zodiac to enact self-change but it's sort of like an evolutionary process rather than an epiphany. We have to beat ourselves up over something for months or sometimes years as we gradually change it. Budgeting money is a great example of something I knew I needed to do but didn't want to and it took me years of self-deprecation and mental pep-talks to get into the habit and now I'm pretty great at it. Maybe this is my evolutionary process but now I have these deadlines (like a wedding) that add pressure. Oy, Scorps usually do very well under pressure, it's typically even when we're at our very best, but we're also so damn stubborn. I wish I could be a nice grounded, logical, Taurus instead.

  6. I totally can empathize with you right now. :/ If I find something I will share and you do the same, k? :)

  7. Swan: I started reading The Primal Blueprint last night (see Brandon's comment above yours on this same post) and although I can't say I've yet received any life-altering revelations, I can say after only the preface and a good sized chunk of chapter one I think it's promising. If you have a Kindle, iPad, or even the free Kindle reader on your computer you can get it for $7 on amazon. The author has some pretty interesting and unconventional perspectives and I can't deny that as I was reading the preface I kept thinking "huh ... well that sounds familiar". He spent a few good sized paragraphs talking about burnout leading to frustration which then leads to an "I don't care attitude" (my words, I think, not his but same basic gist) and I thought "yeah, been there doing that, how do I fix it?" so I am actually looking forward to reading more of it tonight. I'll keep you posted on my thoughts about it if you want.

  8. Swan: or should I start calling you Jazz? *playful wink*

  9. YEAY! "promising"... I *LOVE* hearing that word! ;)

    The more Mark Sissan you read, the more you will comprehend the foundational-message he's trying to explain... it's been, seriously, a very enlightening experience for me. I hate to sound all hippy-earthy, but that's really how I feel.

    I've spent *YEARS* (as you know) searching for a correct moral/ethical and physical basis on which to stand my ground in the modern world. The first revolution happened what, like 8 years ago (wow, can't believe it's been that long!). The second one is just now happening. Over the years I've heard all the "rules", and some worked (sort of) while others didn't so much. So much of it was contradictory, though, to other aspects that seemed true. It was confusing (just like my moral-journey was). As someone in the old Bible world once said, it was like looking at a perfect picture through a dark, hazy, smoky glass. But now I am beginning to see. :)

    Last night my family did "grok hangs" and "grok squats" after dinner (a rich salad, some nuts, and a big piece of London Broil), then went for an hour walk (pretty leisurely most of the time too) around our park and on the way home we had so much energy we were going to go home and fit in a workout *BECAUSE WE WANTED TO* (as opposed to feeling we *SHOULD*). We decided to wait until tonight, though, just for logistical-purposes (ie: boy had to go to bed, laundry needed folding, dishes needed washing, etc). It's 7AM right now, and I'm freaking looking forward to it! :)

    Grok energy is amazing stuff!

    You have come so far, it never ceases to amaze my wife and I. We just love the fact that you did a marathon! We're not marathoners ourselves (I've done 2, she's done 2 or 3), but just the fact that you've found it in yourself to make yourself a better you -- man, that's exciting stuff right there!

    Keep searching, keeping fighting, you'll find your truth eventually. Personally, I'm rooting for Grok -- but in the end, I'm for whatever leads you to long-term success!


    (your bro)

  10. Bro: No clue what "grok" means yet, I didn't take the time to read anything (PHP or Sisson) this weekend so I'm still only part-way through chapter 1. On the up-side that charity walk (and it was a walk, not a marathon but still same principle) was really motivational for me. There's something about being out there with a bunch of people and the fact that it was for a good cause (more in today's post on that) made it even more special and motivational.